With all the hype about the potential upcoming winter storm here in the STL I wanted to pass along helpful tips that will not only equip you in surviving a Snowpocalypse they may actually help you enjoy it.
First it’s important to define what we are talking about:
Snow + Apocalypse = Snowpocalypse
When weathermen predict large amounts of snowfall in a short period of time
This can be done with great style as Jim Kosek demonstrates in the video below.
You may laugh, you may doubt the accuracy of the forecast of impending doom but whatever you do don’t dismiss this opportunity to prepare for what could be a major meteorological event and an opportunity to demonstrate your ManSkilz in protecting and providing for your family in the face of wintery danger.
Getting prepared: The initial steps
- Take a casual, confident and measured approach: do not panic or buy into the hysteria, don’t freak out those who depend upon you for guidance and direction.
- Take careful inventory of the necessary supplies required for survival during a snowpocalypse:
- Appropriate food items (full explanation below)
- Coat (anything from a hoodie to a wind breaker or your H.S. Letter Jacket)
- The 1954 Boy’s Life Magazine Guide to Outdoor survival (Dads still led most of the scout troops then)
- Your high school football jersey (used for layering)
- The family dog
- Summer Sausage
- Your BBQ grill
- Whole House Generator: sure it's expensive but you can recover the cost through an appropriately handsome cover charge levied on neighbors and news crews who come inside your fully functioning home while everyone else’s power is out for 10 days.
- Do not fill your vehicle with gasoline-doing so is a rookie mistake, you do not want to under any circumstance have enough gas to drive to the grocery store, work, or anywhere else during the snowpocalpyse. People who moved to your city from warmer climates without snow will be driving, as will every sleeveless shirt wearing, mullet sportin, jacked up 4x4 driving, redneck who lives for this kind of weather so he can show everyone how nice he has kept his 78 Chevy Silverado since HS. Plus, he is itching to use the winch he got for Christmas from Harbor Freight Tools to pull some soccer mom mini van driving dude out of the ditch. Stay put-do all supply gathering and provisioning prior to the storms arrival. If you have to, let your soccer mom mini-van idle in the parking lot in order to dump fuel before the storm hits.
- Do not refer to or quote any lines from the movie “The Shining”
Food-follow this and you will be good to go-ignore at your own peril. Use the following questions as a guide when considering if the food item is on the approved list for snowpocalypse consumption.
1. Could I have brought this food item to my 8th grade summer church camp?
2. If I found this food item in its original unopened wrapping/container in my gym bag could I still eat it?
3. Did I subsist on this food item during my Sophomore through Junior years in College?
Know these, learn these and live these.
Approved Food Categories
- Slim Jims
- Summer Sausage
- Deer Jerkey
- Chips-any flavor except Funyuns and SunChips
- Andy Capps Hot Fries
- Chick-n-Biscut Crackers
- Hostess Fruitpies, Dingdongs, Twinkies
- Fruit Loops-Dry
- Mt. Dew-it deserves its own bullet point.
- Beer-NO it does not qualify per question #1
- Gatorade-classic flavors only (Green/Orange)
Once the snowpocalpyse hits I’ll be providing further instructions via TXT. Hit me.