Bick's Quicks

Weekend MESSage

During last weekend's message I challenged married couples to ask their spouse the following question: "Is there anything that I am doing that is harming you or our marriage that you would like for me to stop doing?"

They were to then listen, ask questions only for clarification and not engage in debate when their spouse was answering.

Tonight I spoke with a husband who first answered and then asked the question of his wife.  He said that the outcome was good even though it took a few minutes to get there. 

It was great hearing how they are moving forward in an area that is important to the wife.  This is what the message was all about, to break up the status quo in a person's and a couple's life. The first four letters in the word MESSage are the intent.

When I speak I hope it will MESS with you, if it doesn't then I've probably not done my job. I'm not saying it's my goal to be offensive but a well delivered God empowered MESSage will MESS with you, it should. 

If you're able to stay the same weekend after weekend you may need to find a place where you are challenged to follow Christ boldly in every area of your life.

Doing the Last Thing Yout Want to Do--First

Marriage is the union of two selfish people.  Competing desires collide creating friction and frustration.  Each person is waiting for the other to make the first move.  Husbands and wives, who promised to love and cherish forever now locked in a stalemate, angry. 

I've been there.  Withholding affection, attention and acts of kind service because she hasn't or won't or  doesn't care to.  It seemed like the right thing to do--penalize her, freeze her out with cold silence, withhold what she desires most until I get what I want.  Seeing this in letters makes me look like the kid who took his toys and ran home.  Yeah, that'll teach her.

It teaches her that I'm selfish, immature and concerned more about me rather than her.  That'll make her want to love me won't it?  Stupid

What I've been learning is that the last thing I want to do should be the first thing I do.   

I don't want to help with dinner, dishes or the kids homework and bedtime, I don't want to cut my workout short--I want to sit and mindlessly flip through the TV, surf the net or pretend to read the mail.  I don't want to listen--I'm listened out.  I don't want to fix that door/microwave/floor, cabinet that's been in "process" for months.  I know what I want to do...I know what she wants me to do....and I don't want to do it.  In turn she doesn't want to do what I want her to do either. 

We're on the opposite sides of a carousel hopelessly spinning around.

It's my responsibility to make the first move.  When I do, she feels loved, valued and cared for.  In turn she'll likely express that in ways I appreciate.  If the only reason for my moving toward her is for what it may do for me she'll see right through it, if my motives are sincere she'll be blessed.  Ultimately, I'll be blessed in turn.

Husbands...do the last thing first. 

Avoiding Marital Meltdown

I love and hate the part of my job that brings me into contact with couples on the brink of marital meltdown.  Marriages don't go bad overnight, you don't just wake up and one day and believe your spouse is the enemy. 

The number one cause, according to 730 Counselors-communication.  From what I've seen the past two weeks I'd agree.  Continual disconnect leads to anger, verbal assaults, eventual shutdown and out right avoidance....and the marriage enters crisis mode. 

In order for the marriage to survive the couple has to find a way to communicate.  Suppressed anger and stuffed emotions make this nearly impossible.  Here are ways to keep communication going....

Stay issue focused-problems create emotions, but the problems are a result of issues in your relationship.  (She is sarcastic, he is uncompromising)

Admit feelings-a common mistake is not being open and honest about your feelings.

Address actions rather than motives-you can truthfully and rightly comment on what you have observed not the "why" behind it.

Learn to rephrase-this may seem cheesy and a bit mechanical but give this phrase a shot when you're in the heat of conflict...

When you ________________________ I feel _____________________________
and so I _________________________ instead of __________________________.

 

Say What?

This weekend I misspoke, the bus reeled off the road and I almost lost it.  Saturday afternoon Barb and I headed to church to shoot a video for the service.  On the way there, in an unguarded moment these words escaped unfiltered from my lips.....

"Didn't you have that shirt in college?"

At this point my guy readers are thinking; "What's wrong with that question?"  That's because some of us still wear clothing from our glory days in college-which needs retiring.  The female readers are wondering why, after making such an insensitive-bone headed statement, I still have the ability to see straight in order to type. 

For me it was an honest mistake.  My wife was sporting a Henley, similar to the ones she wore in college. 

There are times when I shift conversational gears without using the clutch-wish that didn't happen.  I observe something, develop a thought and communicate it without considering the tone, content, timing, appropriateness, sensitivity etc.  This isn't a guy's only dilemma.  I've met just as many ladies who speak candidly, causing the bus to careen and collide with relational guard rails.

What helps?  When I remember to ask a question seeking information rather than asking a question that delivers a statement.  So...instead of asking:

"Didn't you have that shirt in college?"   It would have been better to say....   "When did you get that shirt?"

Unintentionally, the former could lead my wife to conclude that I believe she is woefully out of date and un-hip in her choice of fashion.  The latter, gives me enough information to push in the clutch and keep the bus on the road.

Those Who Marry

Somewhere between the altar and anniversaries couples learn that Marriage can be one of life's most glorious blessings or greatest burdens.  They get to decide which and for how long.  In the span of two weeks I've officiated one wedding, received word about the struggles of a couple married less than one year and prayed, talked, encouraged and counseled a marriage that's on the ropes.  I still believe in marriage-but let me be honest-it takes work-lots of work.

Whether your marriage is going great or if it's just plain horrible....here are resources that you need to know about.

• Understanding the differences between Men and Women can be maddening.
• Communicating love to your spouse in ways they want and crave is critical.
• Sex should be special and sizzle!
• You are the only legitimate source for the fulfillment of your spouse's marital needs and desires.
• Affairs don't just happen overnight-the damage can be overcome-it will take lots of time and lots of work.
• We both do dumb stuff that creates tension in marriage and need to grow up.

After you hit the door

All men know that there is a crucial re-entry period that takes place as you arrive home from work.  I believe that I speak for all men when I say that this is one of the most important moments of the day.   

Your family is anxiously awaiting your arrival.  The wife has a lot to download about her day at work or home, there are issues with the kids and stuff she needs you to take care of-add to this the noise and chaos of a busy household with kids, pets, laundry, dishes, dinner preparation and it's not unlike the return of the  space shuttle-a lot of heat and intensity.

This is the danger zone-a man wages war at work all day and on the drive home he hopes to walk in and find.....the pleasant smell of his favorite dinner, the kids quietly doing homework or something constructive, his wife dressed fashionably looking smokin hot and a clean and well ordered home that communicates peace, comfort and ultimately safety-his castle away from the pressures of the work world.  Desirable?  Yes....Realistic?  Probably not....

When encountering chaos on the domestic front this work-a-day warrior goes into battle mode....ordering the troops into action...he takes aim at this chaos as if it were his arch enemy...there will be no prisoners!

In every war there are casualties....in this war it's usually the wife and kids....killed by friendly fire from the guy who is called to protect and provide. 

Been there, done that and I'll likely do it again.  What's helped me from increasing the causality count? 

First-addressing my unrealistic expectations....life is messy, kids need attention, pets are unruly and my wife gets as frazzled as I do.  No one lives in a furniture showroom with their super model wife and calm children.

Second-retreating to the inner safety of my room with my princess...lots of things can wait but I need to connect with my wife.  Sometimes we talk, other times we simply just lay down and rest....then I'm ready to re-engage with the whole family.   

It's important what I do after I hit the door....

Get the Milk

It's not uncommon for my cell phone to ring as I'm making my way home from the gym, dropping one of our kids off at a friend's house or returning from an errand.  The call goes something like this; "Hey, before you come home could you stop by the store and get some milk?"

In the early days of my marriage I must confess this call was not warmly received...I used to muse..

"Why am I always the stop by the store guy?"  "Why don't we have enough milk?"  "If there was a better level of provision management occurring I wouldn't have to make this stop!"  "Why isn't there a better level of provision management going on?"  "I bet the home is a complete wreck when I walk in the door!"  "Doesn't she (wife) know that all I want to do after a hectic day is to come home and relax (veg by the TV, control the remote, not communicate) for a while?"  "I've worked hard all day, responded to a multitude of interruptions that have derailed my schedule and now I'm the milk guy!"

I used to miss the fact that this simple request was something I could easily do for her.  It's about the milk and then again it isn't about the milk.  It's about serving, caring and responding.  These are things I want and desire from her...what husband doesn't want the same consideration from his wife?  When I sigh, roll my eyes or act like she has asked me to move the world over something simple like a $2.99 gallon of 1% she's likely not to ask for what she really needs.  Her loss and mine too.  Someday she will need the world moved and it's the little things that build confidence, trust and  make her feel loved.

Guess what I picked up at the store last night? 

Wake Up Calls

It's a phrase that I wish I only heard in referencing a Hotel stay..."I got a wake up call"   I've met with couples and countless guys and heard this phrase...I've even vocalized these words. 

One, it indicates a degree of relational slumber.  Insensitivity, dis-interest, disconnection leading to relational malaise.  Like a perpetual Sunday afternoon nap, some guys become Rip Van Winkle to their families, snoozing while life goes by.

Two, it's the shot across the bow that causes you to look in the air while a torpedo speeds toward the hull of the family ship.  You don't see what's about to hit you.  Words and sentences like; "I want out."  "It's too late."  "I don't love you anymore."  resound like 3am shouts through a bullhorn at pillow level.

I grieve for those startled awake...they're scared...hurting...panicked and willing to do anything to make things better or right.  Some do....and some can't-damage done ship lost.

In the span of 3 days I've met with two guys.  One hopeful, though hurting, the other hurting with little hope of regaining his home. 

I don't like the fact that this happens, I wonder what could be done to prevent it....I realize that by God's grace I've made it this far in my marriage and family.  Most of us received pretty lame pre-marital counseling...we received little to no instruction on being husbands or fathers and what was modeled for us for the most part isn't worth replicating.

What works?  For me meeting with guys I trust...watching guys I respect and asking the right questions and being honest about they way things really are helps.  It has also been important for me to lean into what God has to say to me...in his word.  So men.....

Get into God's word
Get with the right kind of guys