Bick's Quicks

SexWeek: What Works For Her?

Most guys aren't very complicated when it comes to what turns them on-typically it's the same thing or a simple variation on a theme.  Your wife, most likely, is completely different. And it's possible that what worked for her last time may not work the next time either. 

Some guys, in an attempt to figure out what might work for their wife consult magazines like Men's Health or GQ, others read books, some secretly watch Oprah.  I remember reading a book that encouraged me to help around the house, fix dinner and load the dishwasher.  I diligently followed the plan.  For weeks I busted my tail so that when she arrived home from work our house would be a safe oasis of domestic foreplay in action.  And....nothing happened.  Sure she was thankful, even grateful but NOTHING happened if you know what I mean.

I couldn't take it any longer and finally said something out of frustration I had been hoping for a big payoff and it hadn't come.  I'll remember her response forever—it's etched in my mind.  She said; “Does it turn you on when I load the dishwasher?” 

What I learned that day has stayed with me.  My wife is unique.  I won't find out what works for her from any book, magazine or TV show.  Sure, those things can spark creativity and perhaps give me a few tips here and there but there is nothing like asking my wife personally what gets her motor running.  Sometimes she'll be really clear about what she'd like to see-other times not so much.  When I show her that I love her, that I'm sincere in my service with no ulterior motive I'm getting warmer-and she will too.

Be a student of your wife, know what she appreciates outside the bedroom and when you do that regularly you'll appreciate what begins happening inside the bedroom.

SexWeek:Disclaimer

One of the drawbacks in writing posts on sex for such a wide audience is that you have to generalize to some degree. That will leave some people frustrated because their situation may fall outside the focus of your comments.  If that's you, please know that you are important and that we (my wife and I) are not intentionally overlooking or ignoring your unique situation. I realize that you may be feeling and thinking; “What about me and my spouse, that's not true in our marriage?”  If we were to meet in person and talk I'm sure we'd have meaningful conversation and possibly understand one another better. 

We're hearing and receiving many positive comments as well as some constructive feedback regarding our SexWeek project.  For those who've challenged us-thanks.  You've helped us focus our message and communicate better.  For those of you who have benefited and given us feedback-thanks.  This effort has taken several hours and Barb and I have enjoyed getting to know each other better and hearing from you. 

I appreciate you stopping by our blogs and participating.  Most of all we're both praying that God will lead you and your spouse to greater levels of personal, spiritual, relational and physical intimacy.

SexWeek: Your Spouse Is Your Standard of Beauty

Men and women are assaulted by hundreds and thousands of sexual images each day, month and year.  Magazines, TV, movies and the internet are a virtual visual minefield.   Fashionable clothes in the malls, supermarkets and offices are also pushing the boundaries between good taste and tantalizing.

One comment from our survey said this: 

“As a "single again" woman of 20 yrs without a relationship - I fear and yet long for the closeness the Bible says is possible. I cannot watch TV for the explicit commercials. Even a bar of deodorant soap shows a man with a healthy six pack - goodness sakes!”

A continual barrage of sexually oriented images including those that are mildly suggestive to overtly pornographic will have an impact on those who do not guard their minds.  The impact is dissatisfaction with your spouse's physical appearance.  Honestly, your spouse can't compete.  Models and Actors with full time trainers, make up artists and photo shop editors will always win the beauty contest.

A steady visual diet of naked or nearly naked bodies that aren't your spouse are guaranteed to create sexual dissatisfaction in you very quickly. 

In the Song of Solomon 4:7 it says; “All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”

Obviously, the bride wasn't perfect, that isn't the point. The truth of the matter is this, to the Husband she was flawless.  Over time you will begin to notice your spouses “flaws” it's inevitable.  What you do then matters.  Some begin looking elsewhere for sexual images to fill and satisfy their desire.  It won't happen.  This is a desire that will only become an all consuming appetite-because you won't receive any nourishment from imagines that aren't real or accessible to you.  It's also betrayal and sin.  Jesus makes this clear in Matthew 5:27-28. 

In order to keep your covenant vows and remain faithful to your spouse you will have to commit to keeping them as your standard of beauty.  How can that be done?

1.Don't watch or view Porn.
2.Turn off and away from any people/images that create a sexual response in you that are not your spouse.  It may help to say quietly to yourself or out loud; “That's not my spouse!”
3.Develop the discipline of “bouncing your eyes” which comes from the book, Every Man's Battle.  (the discipline is described this way: When your eyes bounce toward a woman/man who is not your spouse, they must bounce away immediately.)
4.Enjoy looking at your spouse-fill your mind with redeemed images of your wife or husband.  Be visually generous toward your spouse with your body clothed and unclothed.
5.Go to bed with your spouse-don't stay up watching TV or surfing the Net.
6.Work out together-your body is a gift and you can and should take care of it, if not for yourself you can for your spouse.
7.Live in community and practice accountability-give permission to your spouse and friends of the same gender to speak truth into our life in this area.

If you are struggling with Pornography please consult these resources:

Every Man's Battle
Porn Again Christians-*recommended for men only
Dirty Girls, The New Porn Addicts by Anne Jackson

SexWeek:Talking About Sex Is A Touchy Subject

When it comes to volatile conversational topics for married couples, sex may be right at the top the list.  Sex is very personal and emotional. When problems occur between the two of you while you're between the sheets you may not know exactly what to say or do.  Granted, couples who are able to work through conflict outside the bedroom have an advantage when things don't go so well inside the bedroom.  Yet, this isn't like any other conflict-it's personal, deeply personal.

For men, who've grown up with the mindset that being a man means being able to satisfy your wife-not to mention create an irresistible desire inside of her for your smoking hot bod—anything less than hitting it out of the park feels like well, like you just struck out.  (We men tend to place a lot of pressure on ourselves)  A well meaning word, and a few simple suggestions from a wife may make a man feel like a failure in the one area he never hopes to go out on pitches.

A wife may feel that her husband's requests or suggestions for something a little more (fill in the blank with whatever he might say) indicates that he is unsatisfied with her and only a few steps away from leaving her for someone else who he believes holds the keys to his greater sexual satisfaction.

Perhaps the most devastating issue of all is this: No Sex and No Talking About Sex

When this happens spouses are left only with the answers they can come up with in their minds, none of which are good or typically based on reality.  This is abundantly evident from the following responses we received in our Sex Survey last week:

"When will you want me again???" "Why don't you talk to me about it?" "What can I do to help" "I love you, I just don't know if you love me...

“...my spouse doesn't want to talk about it and ignores it and says they do love me but they don't feel like having sex anymore, but they love me and when I bring it up all that I get is silence and sadness”

“With children and the busy normal life, it is SO hard to find time to talk honestly about sex and the desires I have as a woman to my spouse and I wished there was MORE romance...I feel by talking openly he will feel I am not satisfied and I don't want to hurt him because that is not the case, I just hope for more.”

How can you move from not talking about sex to actually having sex and even better sex?  Here are a couple of suggestions that may help you on that journey.

1.Talk about sex-OUTSIDE-of the bedroom: a discussion about the bed while you're in the bed is usually a recipe for little sleep, a lot of conflict and more frustration.   

2.Share feelings first, facts second: stating what you don't like or want to see happen or change is good, but it may be a bit factual and not the right place to begin this conversation.  Affirm your love and desire for your spouse and express your hope for things to get better.  Once you establish common emotional ground you can work on specifics.

3.Decide to Change: this may mean your actions, approach, attitude toward new experiences or attentiveness to timing and the ever present fatigue factor.  If you believe your spouse is the only one that needs to change you'll stay locked in conflict.

4.Don't Expect Intimacy to Follow Your Conversation: it is important to allow your spouse to think through, pray through and wrestle with the issues. 

5.Get Resourced: there are many great books that can help you not only identify your challenges but discover solutions for them as well.  Read them together, out loud-when the kids are away or asleep.

6.Seek Counseling/Coaching: at times we need help from others who can see what we're not seeing in our relationship.  A professional Counselor or a couple whose marriage you admire may be able to walk you both through those difficult places.

7.Pray: it's not last because it is least important-it's last because we can forget that in all our activity prayer helps us breakthrough the difficult places.

SexWeek:Can We Do That?

“Everything about our lovemaking is familiar. The bedroom is familiar. Our bodies are familiar. He touches me; I touch him – always in the same way and the same place. Ten minutes later, it’s over. This is supposed to be thrilling? How do we get out of this rut?”   -
-A Wife quoted in Intimacy Ignited Chapter 15

Anything in life can become familiar and routine, our sex lives included.  It's easy not to think twice about rearranging the furniture, the color of paint on the walls, a hair style or your personal style.  Yet, when it comes to variety in the bedroom couples, especially Christian couples, may not quite be sure what's permissible and what's prohibited.

In the Song of Solomon 7:10-13 we see the wife initiating a creative get-away weekend with her husband for the purpose of celebrating their physical intimacy.  She suggests that they travel to the countryside (7:11), make love outdoors (7:12) and enjoy familiar practices and try new ones (7:13).  I can't imagine any husband refusing an invitation like this from his wife. 

One of the challenges couples face is in discussing, agreeing upon and trying new delights as they are called in the Song.  The key is to find new practices that are permissible, beneficial and create oneness between you and your spouse. 

Permissible: is this practice within the guidelines of scripture?  Practically, there is a great deal of freedom and grace for couples in this area. 

Beneficial: is the new practice a blessing and a benefit to your spouse, or does it make them feel uncomfortable, used and violated?   Anything that is not beneficial to both should be avoided or delayed until there is a sense of freedom or unity regarding the practice.  Again, it must not be something dangerous, degrading or outside biblical guidelines.  The spouse with reservations and concerns should be allowed to decline and the more adventurous spouse accept this and act in love and with grace.  The spouse with concerns or inhibitions should prayerfully examine their reservations and consider if the request or practice would be a blessing to their spouse and a way to serve them in selfless love.

Does this enhance/create oneness: does this practice bring you and your spouse closer together and create emotional, spiritual and physical oneness and does it preserve God's primary design for genital to genital union?

There are many Christian authors who have written very helpful resources for couples to reference in their search for new and appropriate ways to enjoy their physical intimacy I've included a list below.  I have also included a guide taken from Intimate Issues regarding the practices prohibited in Scripture.

Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and  Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus
A Celebration of Sex by Douglas Rosenau
Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman
The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Etheridge

Download Sexual Acts Prohibited In Scripture

SexWeek: Is Masturbation Okay?

In history the church has either strongly condemned or been strangely silent on the practice of masturbation. During my days in Baptist youth group at our love, sex and dating seminars I don't recall the issue even being addressed. 

That changed quickly once I arrived at the University of Arkansas.  During a freshman health class, while sitting in a preassigned discussion group with a bunch of sorority girls and a buddy from my hometown, our professor Dr. Chudley Werch (totally serious about the name), asked us to share our views on masturbation.  Immediately stricken with horror and disbelief my buddy and I shuffled our feet and notebooks and wondered why God in his providence allowed us to be in such an awkward situation with these attractive women.  Breaking the tense silence one of the girls said: “I don't think girls do that-I don't” to which they all nodded in agreement, and then looking at me and my friend she said; “But don't guys have to?”  I immediately looked at my friend Todd, he was older after all and I felt I should at least follow his lead.  With eyes wide open, shaking his head side to side and great energy he said; “No, no I don't to that”  I wasn't going to sell him out and added; “Me either!”   We all just sat their in uncomfortable silence awaiting the next question.

A couple of years later the question came up once again in a youth ministry class, this time at Southwest Baptist University.  We were addressing critical issues we might encounter in working with students.  I remember hearing for the first time the statement from Dr. James Dobson on masturbation as issued in his book, Preparing for Adolescence which says:

"It is my opinion that masturbation is not much of an issue with God. It’s a normal part of adolescence, which involves no one else. It does not cause disease, it does not produce babies, and Jesus did not mention it in the Bible. I’m not telling you to masturbate, and I hope you won’t feel the need for it. The best thing I can do is suggest that you talk to God personally about this matter and decide what He wants you to do."

I think Dobson's statement was an initial step in the right direction but I'm not sure that it is completely helpful. In discussing masturbation with middle school and high school boys, college men and married men I've not found that there is always a grace filled assurance from God that their private self-gratification sessions left them walking in confidence before the Lord.

One former youth group now college student confided in me that he felt shame, frustration and guilt over his continual practice of masturbation.  He hated the way he felt after masturbating. He believed it wasn't God's best for him.

A married friend recently shared that his continual battle with masturbation was leaving him angry, guilty and frustrated—he realized that God had provided his wife as good gift to him for the expression of his sexuality—yet he found himself unable to break free from a habit he developed in adolescence that included pornography and continued up to and beyond the time he became married.

Another single friend shared that masturbation had served as protection to him from sexual temptation as he was in a long term relationship and moving toward marriage with a lovely young woman. 
Who is right?  Is there a Christian stance regarding this issue?  What does the bible say?

We received this comment from our recent Sex survey:

I wish the Bible was more clear about masturbation. I don't see it mentioned anywhere and I want to know it's okay. I've been single a long, long time!

Scripture doesn't come out and say masturbation is a sin, nor does it say go for it.  Mark Driscoll adds this from his helpful resource Porn Again Christians:

It must be noted that the Bible does not condemn masturbation outright. Though the practice is as old as the Scriptures, the Bible’s silence on the matter should cause us to avoid calling something a sin that God does not. 

If God doesn't prohibit the practice outright how are we to decide on a matter that is personal, private, acceptable for some yet guilt inducing for others?  I believe Driscoll offers these helpful questions for a Christ follower to prayerfully work through:

Question #1 – Can you masturbate without lusting (Job 31:1)?

Question #2 – Can you masturbate in a way that builds oneness with your spouse,
pulling you together more intimately through the act (Gen. 2:24)?

Question #3 – Can you masturbate without experiencing shame (Gen. 2:24)?

Question #4 – Can you masturbate with a clear conscience (Titus 1:15)?

Question #5 – Can you masturbate without capitulating to the cravings of your
sinful desires and thoughts (Eph. 2:3)?

Lauren F. Winner, author of Real Sex, offers additional insights which are I believe are helpful and add to the conversation and process of making a decision in this matter. 

Masturbation teaches you that sex happens outside a relationship.

Masturbation teaches us that immediate gratification is part of sex, and masturbation is removes sex from a relationship.  Indeed, the whole point of masturbation is to provide the release and pleasure of orgasm without the work and joy of a relationship.

Masturbating is almost always coupled with fantasizing.  It is here that masturbating plunges us into a world of unreality.  For the weather woman or the cute guy from work is not thinking about you.  In this way masturbation is closely linked to pornography.

That a sexual act serves as a “substitute for reality” out to give us pause.  After all, we Christians are the people devoted to living the really real.

Is masturbation okay?  That is a question I cannot answer for you—I don't know your specifics, your circumstance, your intent or what you might be thinking about while you are masturbating. Only you and God know. 

I can say that there ought to be great caution and prayer in evaluating your decision in this matter.  For many, masturbation is an activity that produces guilt, entraps them in a cycle of lust, pornography and sin or it serves as a substitute for sex with their spouse.  These are not God's best.  And if these are issue for you—you should avoid masturbation.  Fewer, I believe are able to find masturbation to be a normal part of their lives and continue to walk in confidence and grace.

Recommended Resources

Real Sex by Lauren F. Winner

Porn Again Christians by Mark Driscoll *the e-book comes with the following disclaimer from Mark: Because I am speaking to fellow men, my tone may not be well suited for some women and, therefore, I would request that they not read this booklet, unless they are a wife whose husband has read it first and he can discuss its contents with her in love.

Sex Survey Comments

This past week we asked our church and some friends on Facebook and Twitter to complete a survey about sex.  The responses we received helped form much of the talk I gave tonight (Saturday) and will continue to share tomorrow.  

This weekend's message has been difficult to put together-at first I thought it was mainly because I'm in a season of busy ministry activity.  But as I've been spending more time in prayer and study I realize it has more to do with what God is revealing to me about myself and the lives of our people.

Here's what I'm learning.

1.  People are sexually broken-this shouldn't be news to anyone but we often don't see or hear the pain others are really experiencing.  Some of the responses hurt my heart.

2.  Couples are in conflict-sex, which was meant to bring a husband and wife together is sometimes driving them apart.

3.  The Church hasn't helped all that much-sure, a 7day or 30 day "Sex Challenge" has good intentions, it may gain media attention and most likely has some really great teaching.  But to a frustrated Single with no sexual outlet and a wife trying to understand her husband's pornography addiction and an aging couple attempting to cope with erectile dysfunction and dissipating desire it's a beating and possibly an invitation to skip church for a season.

4.  The Pain is real-if you choose to read the responses you'll realize that there are many people who are hurting.  

Here's what I'm praying

1.  That God would heal-our sexual wounds, our distorted perspectives and our traumatic memories and our deep regrets.

2.  That couples would have important and difficult conversations-about frequency, pornography, desires and dreams.  

3.  That progress would be made-whatever step needs to be taken will be taken, whatever hurt that needs forgiving will be forgiven.

4.  That God would redeem what has been lost, thrown away or taken.

Will you pray with me?

Download 2009 Sex Survey Responses 

Sex in Church

This weekend we'll be talking about Sex.  We've taught on this topic before at Springcreek.  Lately it seems that a lot of churches are addressing this issue-that's a good thing.  In the past the church has been pretty silent or selective in what was said-that's not good.

I'm asking for your feedback-I'd like to hear from you as I finish preparing this weekend's message.  We've put together an anonymous survey, it asks a few questions and allows you to ask your own.  It would be great to hear what you think and have your voice added to the conversation.

I'll be sharing some of the discoveries we make right here-so check back to see what's taking place.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sex Survey 2009